Is anyone else tired? I have been getting what many would consider more than sufficient amounts of sleep… about 8 hours a night, but I’m still completely exhausted every afternoon. I took a 15-minute nap this morning and still want another one now. Is this laziness? pregnancy? old age? motherhood?
This past weekend was the Country Music Marathon in Nashville, complete with a half-marathon as well. So, some friends and I – along with our husbands and kids, decided to walk 13.1 miles for fun. It was fun. I guess most marathons are the basically the same with the differences being locale, weather and difficulty of the course. The atmosphere was very similar to the Detroit Free Press Marathon that I ran in 2003. Running fans are great everywhere.
I must admit that walking the half was more than half as bad as running the full. It took almost as long to walk and so my feet were equally as sore. Plus, being pregnant and weighing a little more, I think it influenced my physical fitness level a bit more than I imagined it would. Don’t get me wrong, running a marathon is a lot harder than walking half that distance, but walking was much harder than I anticipated. Both, though, are very rewarding and I hope to compete again someday.
My precious baby is now a toddler and some seem very surprised that she is still nursing (~5 times/day). I should probably clarify that most people are most shocked that I am still nursing her rather than that she is still nursing. The majority of negative comments or looks that I’ve received have been at least partially because I am also pregnant. Apparently, it is unacceptable (by some folks, not all) to even consider nursing while pregnant or especially tandem nursing.
Well, Eila is a big fan of “teter” (the french term that we use) and is showing no signs or disinterest or even of the possibility of distracting her from her desired form of nourishment. Now, I must admit that I am also in no hurry to end this part of our relationship. It is a great excuse to sit down together and rest for 5-10 minutes all at once (a rarity for toddlers). It is also a great excuse to eat tons of food (healthy, mind you, but still – I like to eat.) I also like to know that I am providing the very best for her with immunities and antibodies as well as the calories and vitamins and minerals that she needs. God made this food just for her and I want to make sure she gets it.
So, all of this to say that my milk supply is diminishing and the end is coming. I don’t know if it will continue until baby2 arrives and beyond or if Eila will want to stop sooner. I do know that it won’t last forever and that when weaning is over, I will probably be a little relieved (to be able to be away from her for days on end, if needed) and sad (that she could go days on end without needing me).
As for how the weaning process will happen, I have read a lot and gotten lots of advice on the best and worst ways for this. I imagine that it will be a gradual reduction of the number of feeding per day down to just one or two and then she’ll stop asking and I’ll stop offering and then one day I’ll realize that she hasn’t nursed for a couple of days…
It always seems that late at night while I’m trying desperately to sleep, my mind is figuring out how things really work…
Last night was no exception (partly because I took a long nap around 2pm and partly because I spent about 2 hours right before bed checking emails and reading some stuff online…), I was laying in bed with my dear husband sleeping soundly next to me. I had an amazing revelation: I am not in control and that’s ok.
The fact that I’m not in control has been apparent to me for some time although I generally choose to ignore this piece of information completely. I realized that as I try so hard to maintain some semblance of control over so many areas of my life and the lives of those I love, it is all in vain (thankfully, because I would do a terrible job at running the universe).
My real revelation came as I pondered the things that happen completely out of any earthly realm of control – like the development of babies inside the womb. It is a miracle! Nothing that a mother does can make the baby develop any better or worse (outside of the obvious drugs and such in a effort to end the pregnancy). The baby develops or doesn’t, but the behavior of the average woman has little impact on the fetus or embryo – it is completely out of our control. This I understand and am amazed and awed at. This I do not attempt to control (except in the sense of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”, so I guess even here I attempt a little control).
However, there are many things that are outside of my realm of control that I still make concerted efforts to control. For instance, my husband is often the object of my pathetic manipulation schemes. Brian, as wonderful as he is, isn’t always exactly the way I want him to be, especially while driving. We have different styles and I happen to think that my more aggressive driving style is better in most situations. But, I hate driving, so when together, Brian usually drives and I usually direct with hints like: you could pass, turn, go faster, etc…
So, I realized last night that things I really can’t control at all, I let God take care of. Things that I can influence in any way, I try to take over completely, even if all is going well without my help or influence. Why? I haven’t had that revelation yet, but I think it might have something to do with the sinful nature. I want to let God take care of it all and not worry about it, but I keep holding on and pulling things back into my way of doing things.
Not only am I not in control, I shouldn’t be and that is good!