Archive for February, 2006

Deep Thoughts

Some blogs are full of people’s deep thoughts – a public journal. I find these extremely interesting to read and yet do not in the least feel comfortable writing such entries or even commenting on them.

Other blogs are superficial – a daily planner/calendar. In some cases, these can be interesting, but most people just don’t do anything that fascinating on a daily or even monthly basis, so again I don’t really want to write or comment on this type of blog.

Still other blogs are a mixture and or only write “interesting” daily events. Usually, these blogs are not frequently updated or read…

I don’t really know what type of blogger I’d like to be. I guess somewhere in the mixture category and as I don’t have a lot of free time or don’t make time for blogging, I probably won’t be updating that regularily (as you may have already figured out!) I think it would be fun for friends and strangers alike to read my thoughts and ramblings and comment occasionally, but I’m okay just writing for myself too.



Today is the day I sit at the computer and my bathroom gets cleaned… For my birthday, I got the gift of someone cleaning my house. This is fabulous.



It always seems that late at night while I’m trying desperately to sleep, my mind is figuring out how things really work…

Last night was no exception (partly because I took a long nap around 2pm and partly because I spent about 2 hours right before bed checking emails and reading some stuff online…), I was laying in bed with my dear husband sleeping soundly next to me. I had an amazing revelation: I am not in control and that’s ok.

The fact that I’m not in control has been apparent to me for some time although I generally choose to ignore this piece of information completely. I realized that as I try so hard to maintain some semblance of control over so many areas of my life and the lives of those I love, it is all in vain (thankfully, because I would do a terrible job at running the universe).

My real revelation came as I pondered the things that happen completely out of any earthly realm of control – like the development of babies inside the womb. It is a miracle! Nothing that a mother does can make the baby develop any better or worse (outside of the obvious drugs and such in a effort to end the pregnancy). The baby develops or doesn’t, but the behavior of the average woman has little impact on the fetus or embryo – it is completely out of our control. This I understand and am amazed and awed at. This I do not attempt to control (except in the sense of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”, so I guess even here I attempt a little control).

However, there are many things that are outside of my realm of control that I still make concerted efforts to control. For instance, my husband is often the object of my pathetic manipulation schemes. Brian, as wonderful as he is, isn’t always exactly the way I want him to be, especially while driving. We have different styles and I happen to think that my more aggressive driving style is better in most situations. But, I hate driving, so when together, Brian usually drives and I usually direct with hints like: you could pass, turn, go faster, etc…

So, I realized last night that things I really can’t control at all, I let God take care of. Things that I can influence in any way, I try to take over completely, even if all is going well without my help or influence. Why? I haven’t had that revelation yet, but I think it might have something to do with the sinful nature. I want to let God take care of it all and not worry about it, but I keep holding on and pulling things back into my way of doing things.

Not only am I not in control, I shouldn’t be and that is good!