Sometimes there just aren’t words to describe how we feel.
Sometimes there just isn’t an adequate explanation for why.
Sometimes there just won’t be a way to make things better.
Always, there’s a choice of how we respond to the sometimes…
“This is the day the Lord has made I will rejoice and be glad in it.”
I’ve put a lot of things on hold since the end of my pregnancy, and am still recovering from the aftermath of that pregnancy (another kid!)
Having three kids is a lot harder than two and I’m pretty tired at the end of the day which is when I used to do all the things that needed to be done without my children’s “help”.
One of these days, I might get around to starting and maybe even finishing one or two things on my ever growing list.
After about a month of constant help, I ventured into the world with all three kids and it is a lot like adjusting to two kids for me. The hard part is not having a new baby, but the same other kids who have a slightly more tired mom with a little less patience and reasonable, logical thinking. A continuation of pregnancy sort of, except that I’m more comfortable physically and can take the baby out if desired…
Being thankful should be so easy. I know all the things I have to be thankful for, and yet I find myself wanting to complain all the time and having a hard time not being cranky all the time. This week I have been especially irritated at everything, pretty much all the time.
I was/am irritated that my B-H contractions turned to real contractions and then no baby. I’m irritated that Eila and Josiah aren’t perfect and that my house is constantly in need of cleaning and we always need to eat. I should be thankful that we have a really nice house and lots of toys and art projects to make messes with and plenty of food to eat. I should also be thankful that baby boy is developing perfectly and that my body is getting ready for labor. I should be thankful, and I’m trying… sort of.
You probably are already aware that I place a very high value on spiritual things and believe that my God is who He says He is (in the Bible) and can do what He says He can do.
This particular pregnancy has been a little bit more difficult for me than my previous ones, which were fabulous and relatively perfect. I still enjoy pregnancy and have no real complaints. However, when this baby boy was breech I was complaining a lot. Carrying a breech baby was terribly uncomfortable for me physically, plus I was very stressed over the prospect of having major surgery just because he was in the “wrong” position. After he turned and then re-turned to breech position despite my doing all the right exercises, I prayed and knew that God was telling me to just relax and trust Him. I was assured that although I have no real control over this baby now nor will I be able to control everything when he is born, God is able to handle it all and knows exactly what should and will happen. So, I decided to relax and trust God and not do all the crazy exercises and techniques for turning a baby. I did write it on the prayer list for our church and asked a few close friends and family to pray for the baby to turn and me not to freak out no matter what happens.
This was all about 2 weeks ago and the night of our church prayer meeting (last Wednesday), I was again treated to the rather obnoxious full position change of “baby brother.” This time, however, he has stayed put and seems to be settling in nicely. I am much more comfortable and totally at peace knowing that God answered this prayer and that He has it all under control.
My good friend, Andie, lent me a book (that I lent out to another friend) that really has changed the way I parent. I knew I had a problem and needed to get some practical help as well as deal with the root issues of my problem. Well, Julie Barnhill’s book came along at the right time and was exactly what I needed to hear and act on.
I love to read, and Julie Barnhill is a very funny gal whose books are quick, easy reads, but that was not the case for this book. This book had its funny parts and is a quick read, but she has stopping points throughout the book with questions to ponder and action points. I usually just read these types of questions and answer in my head since writing answers requires so much effort. However, I knew that I really needed to process these things and to have accountability to make changes, so I wrote down my answers to all of the questions. I was easily able to see where I struggled and what changes I needed to make.
The gist of it is that anger has its place and is a good response when things are not as they should be – injustice and evil – and as long as anger motivates us to act in love and bring about good changes then it is not a problem. For most people I know, myself included, that is not usually the case when I lose my temper. I am angry at my kids for not living up to my expectations or at myself for making poor choices and then am impatient and unkind toward those around me not out of love to make them better, but just because I’m immature and would rather throw a fit. In my angry outbursts with my kids, there are times that the anger is properly motivated, but my outburst is not loving or effective in bringing about the change that is desired. So, the way to change is through prayer and focusing on the truth and love of God, along with some very simple techniques like counting to ten or taking a deep breath before I speak, taking time outs myself when I feel my body heat rising and jaw clenching.
Tagged again… Consider your self tagged if you are interested and have a firstborn.
1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?
Yes
2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Yes
3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
Happy, excited…
4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
No, never
5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
26
6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
A pregnancy test, but I’d been charting and knew based on temps and timing.
7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
We told both of our parents, but then no one else until quite a bit later.
8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
Yes
9. DUE DATE?
January 19, 2005
10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
No
11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Water
12.WHAT IRRITATED YOU?
Lots of stuff, but the same things that irritate me anyway.
13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD’S SEX?
Female
14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
No. I just wanted a healthy baby.
15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
about 25
16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
Yes
17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
No surprises
18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
No
19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Providence Alternative Birth Center
20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
33
21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
Brian
23. DID YOUR WATER BREAK NATURALLY?
Yes. Well, it didn’t really break as much as leak.
24. WAS IT VAGINAL OR C-SECTION?
Vaginal
25. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
No. I had a natural, wonderful birth experience.
26. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Midwife, ABC nurses, and Brian.
27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
6 lbs. 10 oz.
28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN?
January 16, 2005 at 8:40am
29. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Eila Rose Yee
30. BIGGEST SURPRISE DURING CHILDBIRTH?
No real surprises, but I guess my being in transition and wanting to push on the way to the hospital was a bit surprising.
31. GREATEST MEMORY ABOUT CHILDBIRTH?
The great support of my husband/coach and the thrill of actually holding a healthy baby in my arms.
31. DID YOU BREASTFEED?
Yes.
32. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
She turned 4 about 2 weeks ago.
And it’s a boy!
We had a great ultrasound on Wednesday and got the good news that we are having another baby boy. I was actually very stressed going into the ultrasound because I haven’t been feeling the baby much at all yet and although I’ve gotten much bigger since preconception, I am not hugely pregnant yet – not that I’m complaining…
I am very relieved to have seen our baby happily moving around and even sucking on his hand. It was amazing. His heart and brain and everything are great and he is even measuring a little bit further along than expected (about 6 days, so not much). We have a couple of pictures including a great shot of his spine, which Eila thinks looks like a snake and therefore has given him the nickname “Snakey.”
Now we only have to come up with a boy’s name. We are open to suggestions as long as you don’t expect a positive response to them.
So, today was Josiah’s visit to the allergist and after two hours, I came away with a prescription for singulair and an epi-pen as well as a tired and hungry little boy, whose skin test showed no allergies. It seems strange to me that despite a clear skin test, the allergist felt that the evidence was strong enough for Josiah to need me to carry an epi-pen around everywhere we go. He went for a blood test too, but we’ll discuss those results in a month. In the meantime, we are to continue to stay away from dairy and also eggs now. Plus, Josiah is to get a bath of at least 30-minutes each and every day followed by lots of lotion.
I don’t know if I’ll fill the prescriptions, but the allergist made a good case for the singulair especially since Josiah seems to be getting a little cold now and that is a big trigger for his asthma. I hate to disboey orders and not follow directions, but at the same time my main role (IMO) as his mom is to take care of him as best I can. Part of taking care of Josiah includes not pumping him full of unnecessary drugs and also taking the steps needed to prevent the preventable (like breathing problems due to a cold.)
This past weekend was momentous for the Yees as it was the first time I left for more than a few hours. Brian took off two days from work while I traveled to Dallas for the MOPS Int’l Convention. I had a great time learning and gaining vision and perspective and having a little bit of time to refresh. The trip did result in the complete weaning of Josiah. There is nothing left for him to get, but he is still asking often. He seems okay with a chocolate (rice) milk substitute, even if a little disappointed. This means that I am able to resume a normal diet as full of dairy as I desire.
Eila is very hopeful that she will have a little sister in about 6 months. I am now over 14 weeks pregnant with baby #4 and Eila has been very clear that she would like this one to be a girl. We’ll find out on November 5, God willing, if she is going to get her wish. I am feeling pretty good, if a little bit tired. The kids have been really interested in the baby since we checked out a very informative book from the library (maybe a little TMI was included in the first reading, but Eila hasn’t seemed to notice the skipping of the middle since then!)
Lately, I’ve been hearing terrible stories from different sources about the losses and hard times that various people are enduring. A lot of the tragic losses are related to pregnancy and/or young babies. It is heart-wrenching to hear and think about such horrific pain.
At church, we’ve been studying the life of Moses, and I was struck by the horror of the plaques in Egypt, especially the death of the firstborn. It has always seemed awful, but the thought of losing a child at any age now has a deeper significance to me. I cannot imagine the pain of God the Father in sending his son, Jesus, to be a sacrifice for all of us messed up folks. What amazing love He has for me!
So, my perspective is shifting from complaining about myself and wanting to be done with this pregnancy to thanking God for the growing baby inside of me who is almost always moving. (Not that I wasn’t grateful before, but just not as grateful and amazed as I am now.) I’m starting my days with praise and fighting hard against the regular urges to think things need to be my way.