revelation
It always seems that late at night while I’m trying desperately to sleep, my mind is figuring out how things really work…
Last night was no exception (partly because I took a long nap around 2pm and partly because I spent about 2 hours right before bed checking emails and reading some stuff online…), I was laying in bed with my dear husband sleeping soundly next to me. I had an amazing revelation: I am not in control and that’s ok.
The fact that I’m not in control has been apparent to me for some time although I generally choose to ignore this piece of information completely. I realized that as I try so hard to maintain some semblance of control over so many areas of my life and the lives of those I love, it is all in vain (thankfully, because I would do a terrible job at running the universe).
My real revelation came as I pondered the things that happen completely out of any earthly realm of control – like the development of babies inside the womb. It is a miracle! Nothing that a mother does can make the baby develop any better or worse (outside of the obvious drugs and such in a effort to end the pregnancy). The baby develops or doesn’t, but the behavior of the average woman has little impact on the fetus or embryo – it is completely out of our control. This I understand and am amazed and awed at. This I do not attempt to control (except in the sense of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”, so I guess even here I attempt a little control).
However, there are many things that are outside of my realm of control that I still make concerted efforts to control. For instance, my husband is often the object of my pathetic manipulation schemes. Brian, as wonderful as he is, isn’t always exactly the way I want him to be, especially while driving. We have different styles and I happen to think that my more aggressive driving style is better in most situations. But, I hate driving, so when together, Brian usually drives and I usually direct with hints like: you could pass, turn, go faster, etc…
So, I realized last night that things I really can’t control at all, I let God take care of. Things that I can influence in any way, I try to take over completely, even if all is going well without my help or influence. Why? I haven’t had that revelation yet, but I think it might have something to do with the sinful nature. I want to let God take care of it all and not worry about it, but I keep holding on and pulling things back into my way of doing things.
Not only am I not in control, I shouldn’t be and that is good!