Shannon Yee

Here’s another parenting book that I found useful in many ways. First, and maybe most importantly, I was delighted and encouraged to find out that I am doing something right. The punishment that I use most often is the approach advocated by Dr. Cary Chugh in this book for “when conventional discipline fails unconventional kids.” He calls it “behavior-limited discipline” and I call it “taking a break until you are ready to do/make it right.” I don’t know that I have unconventional children, but I do know that I prefer unconventional methods of parenting, namely gentle (in Christian circles, grace-based) discipline.

I would’ve liked this book a lot more if it hadn’t started with a whole chapter devoted to telling me what the book was going to say (and detailing what each chapter would cover again at the beginning of said chapter). I have lots of idiosyncrasies and one of my very biggest pet peeves is when authors tell you what they are going to tell you instead of just telling you! So, skip the introduction and get right into the research about punishments and what works in “normal” families and with most kids, but doesn’t work for the “difficult” children or if you are really short on time and think that you have a good grasp of what constitutes regular punishments in most families, skip all the way to chapter 5.

This book is great in its design for parents to use as a tool. It has neat summaries of the main points for each chapter in gray boxes along with important arguments and conclusions throughout the chapters. I will definitely be able to pull the book out again and quickly refresh on any ideas presented here, which is essential in parenting books. The final chapter has several gray boxes with all the pertinent info in one handy place along with a wonderful “cheat sheet” questionnaire so parents are ready for whatever disciplinary action might be required.

Another feature of this book is that it is a quick read and easily organized. I could’ve (and would’ve if I weren’t reviewing the book) the chapter on school-related problems and solutions since I don’t have school-aged kids. I found that chapters 5, 6, 8 and 9 would’ve been sufficient for me especially with the summary points at the end of each chapter. The author integrates a bit of light humor and keeps a the book somewhat playful despite the serious nature of the topic. However, for me, this was a bit confusing/annoying as I didn’t understand all of the jokes and alternate chapter titles and I found that they took away from the general air of authority and know-how that Dr. Chugh establishes.

I really appreciated the practical examples and ideas throughout the book. Dr. Chugh presents several dialogues where he further explains how to implement behavior-limited discipline as well as verbal rehearsal or planning or priming (basically all the same things), which in essence are discussions with kids about how to behave reminding them that their choices have consequences and they have the power to choose.

When I read She’s Gonna Blow, I remember thinking that all the stuff about Mommy guilt wasn’t really my issue. I feel loads of guilt when I screw up, but I usually try to right the situation as quickly as possible and deal with the guilt so that it isn’t lingering and becoming part of a cycle of behavior. I do see that changing a bit as I am still struggling with eliminating angry outbursts. I just read a NY Times article Shouting is the New Spanking and found it very interesting and sadly very true in my personal experience and with many of my friends. I know that I yell when I get frustrated and run out of other ideas, especially when I am tired or hungry. They say that knowing is half the battle, so the other half is… fighting?

So, I was able to read the theme devotional for MOPS this year Intimate Conversations by Alicia Britt Chole. There are 52 wonderful devotionals, while I only had a few weeks to read the book, I would have preferred and would encourage you to take 52 days (or weeks) and read this book. There are 12 sections, which lends itself nicely to reading one section a month and one devotional a week. That would probably be a very realistic reading schedule for the intended audience – busy mothers of young kids. Each section is titled “Dear God…” as a prayer for various phases or seasons of life.

I found that the devotionals were perfect for me: I could easily relate to her stories and examples; they were the perfect length for reading while nursing or between various activities and interruptions; they were deep and meaningful and most importantly relevant to daily life and struggles. And that wasn’t even my favorite part, I really loved that application section. Often I find the application section of devotionals to be a bit contrived with questions that are too obscure or too obvious as to not be applicable, but Ms. Chole was spot on with the simple verse followed with three or four points for discussion and reflective journaling. These really are intimate conversations – between me and God. I loved that so many of the points were to wait, listen, pray to God. I wouldn’t want to go through this with a group unless it was a very intimate and safe group because the questions are hard and really get to the root issues in life.

That said, some of the sections were a little too much for me – mostly because I am not at that point currently. I really appreciated the section entitled “Dear God… Why Do I Feel So Unproductive?” because that is exactly how I feel so many days. But, I am not fully at the end of my rope and didn’t get as much from the section “Dear God… I’m Not Sure That I Can Keep Going.” The single devotional entitled “The Call” was the probably one of most personally profound devotionals that I’ve ever read, dealing with the lie that only full-time ministry pleases God rather than obedience to whatever He calls you.

I’m a little bit surprised that this is the MOPS theme devotional as it seems very much geared towards those who have been in a relationship with Jesus for a long time and want to grow more intimate, but not for the wide range of MOPS moms who are not even believers in God. This is not an intro to God, but a dig deep and get real with God type of devotional.

I will definitely re-read this devotional over a much more spread out time period and journal and grow still more in my walk with God.

Available September 2009 at your favorite bookseller from Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group.

I read this book about a month ago for my MOPS group book club and enjoyed it and the discussion that accompanied it. The title follows current book naming trends with a good subtitle = How to Change Your Child’s Attitude, Behavior & Character in 5 Days. Dr. Kevin Leman is a retired psychologist who has written gobs of books including The Birth Order Book that I really loved and found to be an accurate description of my family growing up. His style is witty, but unapologetic. He thinks his way of doing the parenting thing is the only way and that really turns me off. I agree with most of his ideas and techniques, which really focus on being consistent, loving, and logical.

In this book, he starts out by assuming that you must have totally screwed up and need him to set you straight so that’s why you are reading the book, which may be true for lots of his readers. He says that his strategies will work for anyone, anywhere, at any stage/age. I just don’t buy that. So, the basic plan in the book is this: Say it once. Turn your back. Walk away. I could see this working great with older kids, but my 3 year old, who may or may not be typical in his behavior, is not afraid of being left in the grocery store or at the park and will happily wave goodbye and return to his play – glad to be rid of me and my plan to tear him away from good times.

There were also several other points in the book and these are the ones that I use and will continue to use. It’s always nice to have a reminder of good ideas and new ways to implement them. These are really hard for me to do in everyday life when I get tired and bogged down in the details of mothering.
1. Let reality be the teacher.
2. Learn to respond rather than react.
3. B doesn’t happen until A is complete.
4. Be consistent and follow through on what you say.
5. Don’t threaten or get angry. (My friend, Janet, had a great post summarizing this as I was really struggling with the difference between threatening and giving honest choices while reading this book)
6. Keep my attitude and behavior ones to be modeled!

Along with the above, there are several questions that Dr. Leman recommends asking and have really helped me to evaluate and decide how to proceed.
1. What’s the purpose of the behavior?
2. How do I feel about it?
3. Is it really a big deal?

The second part of the book is an A-Z listing of normal parenting dilemmas and his ideas on how to handle them. Some things were good, but my real struggle is currently bedtime (and naptime) and he says in essence: don’t sweat it; kids sleep when they’re tired. Again, maybe they do, but Josiah does not. Instead, he destroys things and people (not an exaggeration) when he is tired and whines a LOT, so it is problem for everyone not just him, not something we can just wait out until he falls asleep.

If you haven’t read a lot of parenting books, you may find the ideas new and helpful especially if your kids are crazy, but I’d get it from the library if it were me. But, I know some people found the practicality of the book priceless.

A friend of mine recently emailed me this link and asked for my take on it. I generally adhere to this sort of parenting philosophy that some would call Attachment Parenting for the beginning of life, but for the toddler/preschool years I like to think I have a parenting strategy, but really I’m just trying to make it through each day while showing and teaching love and responsibility.

The continuum concept basically seems to say that we are social beings who evolved to meet the expectations placed on us and we thrive when in loving relationships. I whole-heartedly agree that humans are social and designed for relationships, but by the Creator’s plan not evolutionary adaptation. I believe that God made us to be social beings who need physical contact from birth with immediate response to signals of needs in babies (ie. nursing on demand, co-sleeping, being in arms most of the time for the first 6 months). I also believe that humans are rotten to the core (in theological terms we are sinful from birth – that is total depravity).

So, the continuum concept asserts that the reason children fight and are selfish and demanding is because we are a child-centered culture. While this may be a confounding issue I do not see it being the sole reason nor do I think that by simply going about our adult responsibilities with kids watching that we will not have any of these attitude or behavior problems. That said, I do see that when my kids are secure in the knowledge that I am confident in my roles and responsibilities there are less battles – some of that I attribute to the fact that when I am doubting myself and insecure my kids (as social beings and wanting to meet the expectations of those caring for them) pick up on that.

All this rambling basically to say that I hope that parents will be in a loving relationship with their Creator and from Him draw strength and wisdom to love their kids and care for them – meeting their needs and shaping them into loving and responsible people. God’s grace and love are limitless to cover the limitless mistakes made. I guess that is my parenting philosophy: God-centered.

This is what Eila yelled to me a few minutes ago as she was watching Care Bears in the basement. I came up to figure out what to make for dinner and didn’t get very far when I heard her crying and hollering for help.

Since this is very uncharacteristic during TV time, I quickly checked on her to see that Professor Coldheart was up to no good and Eila was cowering, but unable to turn her eyes and look away from the screen. “Turn it off!” she demanded desperately so I obliged.

This was the second DVD I put in for her as the Disney Princess Party cartoon was far too frightening and it was just the first song. Needless to say, Eila is a little bit scared of many things right now including but not limited to cartoons (and wind – especially thunderstorms, but who can blame her after we were picnicking with several friends during a storm a few weeks ago where she went completely nuts with fear.)

Today I’ve only had all three kids for a short while and yet still I’m thinking that three is two too many. I’ll keep #3 and lend out the others to any adventurous and brave soul who will take them… ;p

In just three hours, #2 has succeeded in clogging the toilet with an entire roll of toilet paper – unrolled and shoved in, throwing a ball and racket at #3, smothering #3 with a blanket, waking #3 from a sound sleep by screaming as loudly as possible over and over, spitting all over #1 and the table, breaking a doll house and making #1 cry, taking over everything that #1 has and infuriating her. He has also eaten, read books, jumped on the couch and laughed a lot.

Child #1 has screamed and yelled at everyone, smashed her head into the wall, fallen off a chair AND table, tried to twist #2’s arm backwards, and kissed #3 more times than I can count. She has also sang and danced the entire time and changed clothes about six times. She did clean up her room too.

Edit (10 minutes later): The boys are sleeping and the girls are both calm and so glad that those boys are finally sleeping. They needed it!

You probably are already aware that I place a very high value on spiritual things and believe that my God is who He says He is (in the Bible) and can do what He says He can do.

This particular pregnancy has been a little bit more difficult for me than my previous ones, which were fabulous and relatively perfect. I still enjoy pregnancy and have no real complaints. However, when this baby boy was breech I was complaining a lot. Carrying a breech baby was terribly uncomfortable for me physically, plus I was very stressed over the prospect of having major surgery just because he was in the “wrong” position. After he turned and then re-turned to breech position despite my doing all the right exercises, I prayed and knew that God was telling me to just relax and trust Him. I was assured that although I have no real control over this baby now nor will I be able to control everything when he is born, God is able to handle it all and knows exactly what should and will happen. So, I decided to relax and trust God and not do all the crazy exercises and techniques for turning a baby. I did write it on the prayer list for our church and asked a few close friends and family to pray for the baby to turn and me not to freak out no matter what happens.

This was all about 2 weeks ago and the night of our church prayer meeting (last Wednesday), I was again treated to the rather obnoxious full position change of “baby brother.” This time, however, he has stayed put and seems to be settling in nicely. I am much more comfortable and totally at peace knowing that God answered this prayer and that He has it all under control.

My good friend, Andie, lent me a book (that I lent out to another friend) that really has changed the way I parent. I knew I had a problem and needed to get some practical help as well as deal with the root issues of my problem. Well, Julie Barnhill’s book came along at the right time and was exactly what I needed to hear and act on.

I love to read, and Julie Barnhill is a very funny gal whose books are quick, easy reads, but that was not the case for this book. This book had its funny parts and is a quick read, but she has stopping points throughout the book with questions to ponder and action points. I usually just read these types of questions and answer in my head since writing answers requires so much effort. However, I knew that I really needed to process these things and to have accountability to make changes, so I wrote down my answers to all of the questions. I was easily able to see where I struggled and what changes I needed to make.

The gist of it is that anger has its place and is a good response when things are not as they should be – injustice and evil – and as long as anger motivates us to act in love and bring about good changes then it is not a problem. For most people I know, myself included, that is not usually the case when I lose my temper. I am angry at my kids for not living up to my expectations or at myself for making poor choices and then am impatient and unkind toward those around me not out of love to make them better, but just because I’m immature and would rather throw a fit. In my angry outbursts with my kids, there are times that the anger is properly motivated, but my outburst is not loving or effective in bringing about the change that is desired. So, the way to change is through prayer and focusing on the truth and love of God, along with some very simple techniques like counting to ten or taking a deep breath before I speak, taking time outs myself when I feel my body heat rising and jaw clenching.

Tagged again… Consider your self tagged if you are interested and have a firstborn.

1. WAS YOUR PREGNANCY PLANNED?
Yes

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME?
Yes

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS?
Happy, excited…

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU?
No, never

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU?
26

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT?
A pregnancy test, but I’d been charting and knew based on temps and timing.

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST?
We told both of our parents, but then no one else until quite a bit later.

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX?
Yes

9. DUE DATE?
January 19, 2005

10. DID YOU HAVE MORNING SICKNESS?
No

11. WHAT DID YOU CRAVE?
Water

12.WHAT IRRITATED YOU?
Lots of stuff, but the same things that irritate me anyway.

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD’S SEX?
Female

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING?
No. I just wanted a healthy baby.

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY?
about 25

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER?
Yes

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW?
No surprises

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY?
No

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Providence Alternative Birth Center

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR?
33

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL?
Brian

23. DID YOUR WATER BREAK NATURALLY?
Yes. Well, it didn’t really break as much as leak.

24. WAS IT VAGINAL OR C-SECTION?
Vaginal

25. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN?
No. I had a natural, wonderful birth experience.

26. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH?
Midwife, ABC nurses, and Brian.

27. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH?
6 lbs. 10 oz.

28. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN?
January 16, 2005 at 8:40am

29. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER?
Eila Rose Yee

30. BIGGEST SURPRISE DURING CHILDBIRTH?
No real surprises, but I guess my being in transition and wanting to push on the way to the hospital was a bit surprising.

31. GREATEST MEMORY ABOUT CHILDBIRTH?
The great support of my husband/coach and the thrill of actually holding a healthy baby in my arms.

31. DID YOU BREASTFEED?
Yes.

32. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY?
She turned 4 about 2 weeks ago.