Shannon Yee

It’s almost time for Josiah to eat again, so this will be quick. But, changes are taking place now. My new baby is starting to sleep better (ie longer) at night and my big girl is starting to speak in sentences and make her desires clearly known. This means, that by the grace of God, just as I need more patience, I am getting more sleep, which invariably helps with the patience… Yeah!

Also, the house hasn’t changed nearly as much as I’d imagined for having a newborn. Going from 0-1 child rocks your world (or at least it did mine), but going from 1-2 kids was a walk in the park and things are basically the same as before, except that there is another baby to take care of. So, the really changes are in the level of noise in the house and the amount of time it takes to get things done – both growing with more children. Also, the amount of love has grown as well and the pleasure at watching them develop and do the things that kids do.

Change is not always bad. In fact, I think I like all of these changes, even the trying ones (like Eila drawing on the walls and floor and peeing on the chair rather than in the potty…)

Lately, I’ve been hearing terrible stories from different sources about the losses and hard times that various people are enduring. A lot of the tragic losses are related to pregnancy and/or young babies. It is heart-wrenching to hear and think about such horrific pain.

At church, we’ve been studying the life of Moses, and I was struck by the horror of the plaques in Egypt, especially the death of the firstborn. It has always seemed awful, but the thought of losing a child at any age now has a deeper significance to me. I cannot imagine the pain of God the Father in sending his son, Jesus, to be a sacrifice for all of us messed up folks. What amazing love He has for me!

So, my perspective is shifting from complaining about myself and wanting to be done with this pregnancy to thanking God for the growing baby inside of me who is almost always moving. (Not that I wasn’t grateful before, but just not as grateful and amazed as I am now.) I’m starting my days with praise and fighting hard against the regular urges to think things need to be my way.

So, I thought toddlers were supposed to have separation anxiety or at least notice when their mothers leave them for any length of time.

Brian and I went to a wedding this weekend and left Eila for the first time overnight. She stayed with my sister at my mom’s, so Grandma and Aunt Amber were fighting over taking care of her. I’m sure there was no lack of love and attention, but still, I thought she’d be a little excited to see us again, especially her mom. Alas, I was mistaken, because Eila was actually a little upset that we were back and trying to end the fun at the park. I’m still trying not to let it hurt my feelings. Once we got back home, she was more affectionate and even cuddled with me for a few minutes.
I was a little afraid that I would be the one with separation anxiety since this was her first extended time away from me since I became a mother. Honestly, I did pretty well. It was a little stressful when Amber called and asked how to get into our house (we forgot to leave her a key, oops!), but Eila did fine at Grandma’s, and the wedding reception was a great distraction for me. I only cried a bit and that was mostly because of the movie we were watching.

My precious baby is now a toddler and some seem very surprised that she is still nursing (~5 times/day). I should probably clarify that most people are most shocked that I am still nursing her rather than that she is still nursing. The majority of negative comments or looks that I’ve received have been at least partially because I am also pregnant. Apparently, it is unacceptable (by some folks, not all) to even consider nursing while pregnant or especially tandem nursing.

Well, Eila is a big fan of “teter” (the french term that we use) and is showing no signs or disinterest or even of the possibility of distracting her from her desired form of nourishment. Now, I must admit that I am also in no hurry to end this part of our relationship. It is a great excuse to sit down together and rest for 5-10 minutes all at once (a rarity for toddlers). It is also a great excuse to eat tons of food (healthy, mind you, but still – I like to eat.) I also like to know that I am providing the very best for her with immunities and antibodies as well as the calories and vitamins and minerals that she needs. God made this food just for her and I want to make sure she gets it.

So, all of this to say that my milk supply is diminishing and the end is coming. I don’t know if it will continue until baby2 arrives and beyond or if Eila will want to stop sooner. I do know that it won’t last forever and that when weaning is over, I will probably be a little relieved (to be able to be away from her for days on end, if needed) and sad (that she could go days on end without needing me).

As for how the weaning process will happen, I have read a lot and gotten lots of advice on the best and worst ways for this. I imagine that it will be a gradual reduction of the number of feeding per day down to just one or two and then she’ll stop asking and I’ll stop offering and then one day I’ll realize that she hasn’t nursed for a couple of days…

I have always prided myself on being someone who lives according to her convictions. A life based on values and priorities not just letting things happen. Somehow, I am not sure that this is still true of me. I want it to be true, but I am not sure that it is.

There are a few reasons for this doubt:

1) I’m very tired and busy chasing my dear toddler many days and therefore don’t do what I have planned.

2) I am not planning my days. There are many days when I look back and feel like I could’ve and should’ve been more deliberate and productive with the time given me.

3) I’m not entirely sure what I value or want my priorities to be at this point.

On the other hand, I feel like I’m living more in line with my values and priorities than ever.

There are several reasons for this confidence:

1) I’m very tired and busy chasing my dear toddler and don’t do all the things I have planned (ie. cleaning, cooking, exercising, etc.)

2) I am not planning my days completely. Instead, I am allowing the special moments of Eila’s days to be just that rather than a series of activities and events and things to accomplish.

3) I know that I do value time with people and training Eila in godly ways, and am spending my time in these pursuits, but little else.

Basically, I am a little confused about if my life is being lived to its fullest or if I should be making changes to ensure an authentic and purpose-filled life. I guess I need to spend a little more time in communion with God over this one because He is the One with the plan for my life, not me…

It always seems that late at night while I’m trying desperately to sleep, my mind is figuring out how things really work…

Last night was no exception (partly because I took a long nap around 2pm and partly because I spent about 2 hours right before bed checking emails and reading some stuff online…), I was laying in bed with my dear husband sleeping soundly next to me. I had an amazing revelation: I am not in control and that’s ok.

The fact that I’m not in control has been apparent to me for some time although I generally choose to ignore this piece of information completely. I realized that as I try so hard to maintain some semblance of control over so many areas of my life and the lives of those I love, it is all in vain (thankfully, because I would do a terrible job at running the universe).

My real revelation came as I pondered the things that happen completely out of any earthly realm of control – like the development of babies inside the womb. It is a miracle! Nothing that a mother does can make the baby develop any better or worse (outside of the obvious drugs and such in a effort to end the pregnancy). The baby develops or doesn’t, but the behavior of the average woman has little impact on the fetus or embryo – it is completely out of our control. This I understand and am amazed and awed at. This I do not attempt to control (except in the sense of “Taking Charge of Your Fertility”, so I guess even here I attempt a little control).

However, there are many things that are outside of my realm of control that I still make concerted efforts to control. For instance, my husband is often the object of my pathetic manipulation schemes. Brian, as wonderful as he is, isn’t always exactly the way I want him to be, especially while driving. We have different styles and I happen to think that my more aggressive driving style is better in most situations. But, I hate driving, so when together, Brian usually drives and I usually direct with hints like: you could pass, turn, go faster, etc…

So, I realized last night that things I really can’t control at all, I let God take care of. Things that I can influence in any way, I try to take over completely, even if all is going well without my help or influence. Why? I haven’t had that revelation yet, but I think it might have something to do with the sinful nature. I want to let God take care of it all and not worry about it, but I keep holding on and pulling things back into my way of doing things.

Not only am I not in control, I shouldn’t be and that is good!

This morning I am up and ready to go and actually have a few minutes to spare with nothing pressing to do… sure there are dishes in the sink and laundry in the basket waiting to be put away and lots of clutter everywhere, but those can wait.

Eila, my fabulous 1 year-old daughter, decided to wake up at 7:15am this morning instead of her usually 8:30am, but at 8:30am went back down for a nap. This provided me with the perfect opportunity to shower and eat and even curl my hair in peace. I even took a few minutes to thank God for the wonderful rain outside!

It is a great day today. Last night, Brian (my main man) and I went on a much needed date – just the two of us. We were able to see a movie, walk and talk, have dinner and enjoy each other’s company without too much worry for Eila’s safety. So, I am feeling particularly refreshed after a fabulous date with the best man in the world and a really good and mostly uninterrupted sleep.

It is amazing to think about how my life has changed in the past year – I never imagined how much I would value a few minutes to myself and not mind a dirty house or how my heart would melt each time a tear falls from my little girl’s cheek. It is remarkable that this love I have for her, which is greater than I ever realized it would be, is only a fraction of the intensity of love that God has for me as His daughter… Wow!

Well, Eila is up and singing, so I will go.